ZENVERSATIONS!

The Pendulum Ride: A Life Lived on the Edge of Chaos

“Sometimes, you just gotta jump and hope you’re not standing on a cliff.”

There’s this ride called the Pendulum Ride. A lot of amusement parks have them. For context, you’re strapped to a seat called a gondola, which is attached to an axle, and then the seat swings back and forth, sort of like a pendulum.

Sometime this year, a very good friend of mine decided to take me to the park, and I jumped on the ride. It lasted for 13 minutes, and it was the single most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. My heart raced the entire time, and I screamed until my voice cracked.

I was going to say the past few months of my life have been a rollercoaster ride, but I can’t really remember what that feels like. The last time I was on a rollercoaster, I must have been about 7 or 8 years old when my dad took me. I do remember the Pendulum Ride though. Each time the seat got to the top, I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.

The only thing that kept me even a little sane was the sound of other people screaming.

Life, Lately, Has Been a Pendulum

That’s exactly what life the past few months has felt like: a fucking pendulum ride.

The constant noise in my head is only drowned out by the voices of different people.

Only this time, they weren’t on the ride with me, they were just around me, screaming at me to get off.

Everyone wants something from me. Everyone wants me to be better.

For myself?

For them?

It varies.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for each and every single one of these people: family, friends, acquaintances, former colleagues. Each person had a valid reason for wanting me to be better. And every single one of those reasons has kept me sane.

Two Decisions That Changed Everything

I’ve made two life-altering decisions this year:

One in April that quite literally almost made me “kick the bucket.”

And another in June, quietly seeping the life back into me.

And the noise? It’s quieting down.

I’ve taken a very high jump, and I’m hoping to God that I’m not standing next to a cliff.

A New Kind of Journal

My therapist thinks I should start journaling. He also thinks I should let more people in.

I’ve convinced myself this blog helps me do both, as unorthodox as it may seem.

So, I’ve decided I’ll be writing about anything I experience that I find interesting, cathartic, or worth remembering. Let’s be honest, I already write the most random shit in my Notes app, and boy, oh boy.

So here I am, baring my heart and soul to you, possibly a total stranger.

If You’re Reading This…

I hope this journey helps me redefine myself.

I hope it helps me find peace.

I hope someone out there can relate.

I hope they know they’re not alone.

I hope they know that it does get better.

Someday, they’ll find exactly what they need to be happy.

Even if it’s just one person,

I will have won.

XO,

ZEN